JOKES! JOKES! JOKES!

                                           MIRACLE TRANSFORMATION
n Ijebu boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 
       
      While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
      The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

If Students Wrote the Bible

nstead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter. 
      The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold. 
      The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font. 
      New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. 
      Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. 
      Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov. 
      Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates. 
      Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Remarkable Parrot

hree sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
    
      The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
    
      The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."
    
      Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
    
      "Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
    
      "Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"
    
      "But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

A Very Faithful Woman

n elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
    
      Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
    
      Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
    
      The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
    
      The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
    
      The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Walking on Water

priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a row boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.
    
      Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.
    
      Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.
    
      The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.
    
      The evangelist looks at the minister and says,"I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were."

Funny One-Liners

      

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
2. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once
3. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at mat
4. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute 
5. Few women admit their age; few men act it
6. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake
8. We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?
9. He who laughs last thinks slowest
10. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else
11. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't
12. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
14. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
15. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot
16. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
17. I took an IQ test and the results were negative
18. Be nice to your kids They'll choose your nursing home
19. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
20. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool

Find a Wife Biblically

ind an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
     
      Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)
     
      Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
     
      Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
     
      Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
     
      Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
     
      Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
     
      Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (1Samuel 18:27)
     
      Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
     
      Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
     
      When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
     
      Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)
     
      Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
     
      Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
     
      A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1Corinthians 7:32-35

Where Have You Been

ometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
     
      "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.
     
      It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
     
      "Counting your ribs," said Eve.

So Far, So Good

o far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.
     
      But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
     
      Thank you.
     
      In Jesus name. Amen

The Letter

minister was opening his mail one morning. Drawing a single sheet of paper from an envelope, he found written on it only one word: "FOOL."
     
      The next Sunday he announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names. But this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name and had forgotten to write a letter."

The Answer

new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
     
      The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
     
      Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
     
      Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

True Love

      If you love something, set it free.
      If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
      If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
      If it just sits in your living room,
      messes up your stuff,
      eats your food,
      uses your telephone,
      takes your money,
      and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
      you either married it or gave birth to it!

Is It Love

ill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
     
      "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
     
      "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
     
      "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
     
      "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
     
      "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
     
      "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
     
      "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
     
      "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.